


Awaking

by Pkieft



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: F/M, Hurt, Lost Bucky Barnes, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Suicide Attempt, sad Steve
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-23
Updated: 2016-12-26
Packaged: 2018-09-11 07:03:37
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 6
Words: 3,548
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8964676
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pkieft/pseuds/Pkieft
Summary: Takes place after the events of CACW. Steve wakes Bucky up form cryo. Steve tries to help put bucky back together again after what Hydra did to him





	1. Now

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry first time writing a fan fiction. Feel free to comment. Chapters will be added frequently

Steve didn’t know where to start as he gazed upon Bucky’s glossy eyed expression through the glass of the cryochamber. What Steve wouldn’t give to have to his old Bucky back. As soon as he thought that Steve immediately regretted it. It was selfish of him to think of his needs first especially after everything Bucky had gone through.  
Steve continued to stare at the cold glass for another fifteen minutes before T’challa came in through the door. “Did you find anything new?” Steve asked his eyes refusing to meet the king’s. “Maybe” T’challa said hopefully. “What… do you think he could come out?” Steve responded almost immediately gesturing to the cryotank. Steve knew he was being a bit to hopeful, but that is what he needed to be… full of hope, for Bucky; a man who had lost all of his own hope. Steve was starting to get lost in his slightly depressed thoughts, and almost missed what T’challa was saying. “Possibly, it is up to you Cap, if we could do the procedures while he is awake, it may take less time, but more painful,” T’challa spoke soft yet concerned. “Let”s do it!” Steve said a little bit too quickly. “Why don’t you think if over for the night, I can give you the all the files we have” T’challa seemed to be a bit cautious. Steve didn’t understand why they would wake him up, but he agreed to think it over. “The files will be dropped off at your room” T’challa said before existing swiftly. Steve took one more said look at his best friend. “ I’m going to make it all better, Buck I swear, I’m with you till the end of the line” and with those simple words Steve made one last glance at Bucky before returning to his room.  
Steve though it was funny how T’challa referred to his sleeping quarters as a room, it was at least five times bigger than the flat he shared with Bucky in Brooklyn and much warmed too. Steve saw that the files were lying on his bed just like the king has promised. Before digging to the large pile of files Steve looked at the lush juggle through his wall which was one large window. He remember that day him and Bucky got there. Bucky had looked around in awe like he did a the science convention.  
Steve let his mind wander for a bit for more looking at the files begrudgingly. Just as he had expected all of them were chalk full of medical terms he had no clue what they meant.  
After finishing reading all the files Steve glanced at his clock. Two A.M it read. Steve put his head in his hands before getting up to grab some coffee. Steve started making his way through the dark white washed hallways. Steve knew he could just call and have someone bring him coffee, but Steve liked doing it himself. While the coffee was heating up Steve reopened some of the less confusing files he brought along with him. As soon has Steve got his coffee he sat down at the marble island and tried to simplify the procedure. The gist of it was that Bucky would wake up and have the trigger words read to him over and over again until he could break them. The breaking part is where steve would come in. Just like on the falling aircraft which felt like centuries ago, Steve would have to remind Bucky of who he was.


	2. Chapter 2

Steve didn’t know what to do. He wanted to have Bucky back as soon as possible, but at what cost. Steve knew the trigger words hurt Bucky, not to mention the fear of not being able to pull Bucky out the Winter Soldier state. Steve kept going back and forth for the next four hours. He hadn’t realized how much time had passed until T’challa walked in to get breakfast. Steve tried to hide the fact he had been up all night by saying “I see you like making the breakfast the old fasion way too.” T’challa glanced up from his tablet and gave a small smile even though he could clearly see the dark circles under Steve’s eye. “I’m going to get right to the point,” Oh gosh Steve though as the king had a hard look on his face. “I think we should do the procedure, while he is awake,” Steve said. “Is that what you think Mr.Barnes wants or is it what you want Captain Rogers?” T’challa countered. “Bucky would want to be fixed… I mean he would want to get better as soon as he can,” Steve’s brain was everywhere, and maybe if he had gotten some rest he would have said what he was about to “ Bucky has had a lot worse I’m sure,” stupid even though Bucky wasn’t there Steve couldn’t imagine how hurtful that was. Steve barely knew what Bucky had gone through for the past seventy years to turn him into the Winter Soldier. Steve immediately felt sorry not just for the words, but for being asleep in the goddamn ice while his best friend was being tortured his way into becoming the “asset; the fist of Hydra” T’challa could easily tell by Steve’s face that he hadn’t meant the words and decided to move on. “ I can have my lab technicians start defrosting him within the hour if that is what you really want,” T’challa spoke calmly. “Yes!” Steve replied with more confusion that conviction. “As you wish Captain Rogers, I will have my technicians get started he should be awake in around six hours,” T’challa replied promptly leaving the room after.  
Steve couldn’t believe it he would get to be with his best friend again. Soon after his conversation with T’challa, Steve’s phone buzzed. It was a Nat checking up of him. Steve didn’t really know her past with Bucky beside them both being in the red room around the same time. 

Nat: Hey. How is he doing  
Steve: Fine thanks for asking.   
Steve: He is actually going to be waking up soon  
Nat: What!!! Do you think they found a cure   
Steve: Maybe the procedure involves repeating the trigger words until he can break them   
on his own.  
Nat: I don’t know Steve. Does Bucky know any of this  
Steve: Not yet, but so far it is our best bet.  
Nat: It doesn’t just end with the words Steve. I can't imagine what seventy years of torture and brain wash does to a guy.   
Steve: He is not just some guy Nat, he’s Bucky   
Nat: I know Steve, just don’t get your hopes up that it is going to be a fine in a week or a month or a year or ever. People like him don’t just recover  
Steve: What do you mean people like him  
Nat: Broken people. Steve some things can’t be fixed with hugs and hot chocolate  
Steve: Screw you Nat. Don’t you dare say that  
Nat: I’m sorry Steve but I’m just preparing you  
Steve: Preparing me for what  
Nat: I’ve seen just a fraction of what they have done to him. He is strong but..  
Steve: But what Nat  
Nat: you can’t come back from death. What they did to him is much worse than death. I’ve got to go I’m meeting up with Clint later bye.  
Steve: Nat wait.

It was too late. Steve went walked back to his room think about what Natasha had said.“You can’t come back from death,” Steve didn’t want to think about, but he knew he had to be strong for Bucky. He was going to bring Bucky back to life. Steve made a promise that he was never going to give up a Bucky and with that Steve got ready to see his best friend.


	3. we meet again

Steve tried to relax for a few hours before Bucky woke up. T’challa said he would alert Steve as soon as Bucky was awake and his vitals were stable. Steve paced around his room and thought about how Bucky would react to see him. Would he be happy that he was awake, or sad or angry that part of the Winter Soldier was still in control of his brain. Then a new terrifying thought came to mind: what is Bucky didn’t remember Steve? What would Steve do, he always knew in the back of his mind that this was a possibility, but now it seemed much more real. Time flies when you are tearing yourself apart and soon enough it was one o’clock and T’challa knocked at Steve’s door.   
“Can I see him now?” Steve blurted out before T’challa could get a word in. “Yes,” the king replied calmly but Steve could tell he had surprised him. On the way to the Cryochamber room Steve cautiously asked “Does he remember me.” “I think so, but he is not in the most communicative state, we have already explained the procedure. He didn’t take it so well.” T’challa spoke softly he could tell how much this news was hurting Steve. “Oh, well let's just see how he reacts to me” Steve said a little doubtful. By then the king and him were stand outside the closed white door. “When you’re ready Captain Rogers,” T’challa said. Steve took a deep breath and opened the door slowly. 

There he was. Facing away from Steve looking out at the jungle. Steve was about to run over and hug Bucky before he saw that state he was in. Bucky had his left shoulder angled close to him holding it with his human right hand steady, as if to hide from Steve. Bucky also had a bunch of wires hooked up to him, keeping track of everything. Steve knew that it could not be easy for Bucky once again being surrounded by doctors watching his every move.   
“Buck,” Steve inquired hesitantly. Bucky whipped his head around so fast, Steve was not prepared for them. Them being Bucky’s eyes. Eyes that had once been full of such hope before the war, now shattered. The eyes looking back at him were not happy crystal blue eyes, they were distant stormy grey eyes. They had a look of fear and sadness. A mix of seeing everything and nothing at the same time. Steve was prepared to see his best friend, not a crumbled outline of one. Bucky replied with “yes.” His voice was rough and quiet like this was the first time he had talked in years and was now afraid of his own voice. “How are you doing buddy” Steve tried to keep it light while slowly approaching the white cot Bucky was sitting on with his knees to his chest. Steve gestured to the bed asking to sit, and Bucky just nodded slowly eyes returning to the jungle.   
“Stevie?” Bucky asked tentatively. “Yes!” Steve replied fast knowing that it was wrong to scar Bucky by raising his voice, but he couldn’t help it. Bucky hadn’t called him Stevie since the war. And with that simple word Steve felt calmed and once again hopeful. “I’m scarred, Steve… I… I….I… um when I was asleep…” Bucky stopped his voice fearful his eyes large and on the verge of tears. “Shhhh” Steve said softly “ We don’t have to talk about that now, I;m just happy to be here with you” Steve took a big risk and decided to hug Bucky. He tried his best to avoid that left arm knowing it was a hard topic, but as soon as he touched him Bucky grabbed Steve so hard it hurt. He buried his head into Steve’s neck. Steve could feel the wet tears rolling down his chest and hugged Bucky back tighter. After a few seconds when Bucky didn’t let go Steve wondered if this was the first time he had felt touch with fear. And with that Steve gave up and just sat there with bucky around his chest for the rest of night till Bucky fell asleep in Steve’s arms. Steve couldn’t bring himself to let go, so that is how the stayed. And it was like the whole world had stopped.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the feels.


	4. Chapter 4

The next morning Bucky had to have a few more tests done, so Steve decided to give Bucky is privacy and that also gave Steve time to talk to T’challa before the procedure started that afternoon. Even before Steve could get a word out about Bucky and his encounter the king cut him off. “I know it must have been hard seeing him that state” T’challa spoke sadly. “ It was a bit shocking but he sounded more at peace and relaxed than I thought he would be,” “He spoke to you!” T’challa replied with urgency. ‘Yeah?” replied Steve slightly confused. “He hasn’t said a word to any of the doctors since he got out, he hasn’t physically responded in anyway,” “Oh” Steve said quietly. Steve didn’t know what to think. Did Bucky only respond to Steve, was in Winter Soldier mode for the rest of the time.   
Steve went back to his room to prepare for the procedure. When it was time he threw on some sweatpants and an underarmour shirt. Steve didn’t know how hard it would be to get his Bucky back. When Steve entered the room he was surprised at what he saw. There was Bucky strapped down strapped down to a chair that looked a like the one they saw in Siberia. Even though Steve himself was starting to getting nervous and stressed out just by looking at it, Bucky seemed fearful but made no attempt to escape. All the sudden T’challa’s voice came over a loudspeaker “Captain Rogers, to ensure the procedure targets the brain correctly the setting must reflect the setting Sergeant Barnes was originally put in” and with that Steve understood what T’challa was saying but still didn’t like to. Bucky gave Steve a small reassuring nod as too it is ok. “Are you both ready?” spoke T’challa. Steve and Bucky both nodded; there was no going back now. A robotic voice started speaking Russian and suddenly the calm expression was ripped away and replaced with a painful distorted face full of fear. Steve could have closed his eyes but he could not block out the horrible scream. The screams, oh the screams they sounded like a tortured animal. Steve couldn’t take the pain in Bucky’s was going through. It wasn’t just Bucky being tortured it was like Steve was being tortured himself.   
As soon as the last word was spoken the screams ended and the blank expressionless face of the Winter Soldier appeared. The restraints were lifted and Steve brain almost didn’t register Bucky getting up. In a quick desperate dodge Steve barely missed Bucky or the Winter Soldier's punch. Steve was unbalanced and the Winter Soldier took that to as an opening to knock Steve on the ground. The Winter soldier strangled Steve and although unbalanced by the missing appendage still had a wicked strong grip around Steve’s neck. Steve knew he stood no chance against his best friend and used his last energy to say one simple thing “I'm with you till the end of the line,” The Winter Soldier's eyes widened and he stumbled to his knees. “Bucky?’ Steve gasped. “Yeah,” and with that Bucky passed out. Steve couldn't imagine how much energy that must have took. Steve still breathing heavily crawled over to his limp friend. Before he could wrap him in his arms like he did the night before T’challa came bursting through the door. “Don’t wake him yet!” “why?” question Steve backing away from his friend with surprise. “We have to scan his brain activity to see how it reacts to the trigger words” T’challa answered a bit nicer. “ Your friend should be awake in a few hours to do repeat the procedure.” Steve watched helplessly as more doctors came in to take Bucky away. What Steve couldn’t get out of his was the sight of Bucky realizing what he had done. Steve wasn’t mad at Bucky he was just more upset with himself that he hadn’t saved Bucky sooner.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The procedure will be over soon and we get to see Bucky and Steve in New York


	5. Update

Thanks to everyone who has been reading. I will not be posting any new chapter for the next two days for Christmas sorry.


	6. It will be ok. Won't it?

Steve sat on the cold tile for a few more minutes after Bucky was taken away. Steve didn’t want watch Bucky suffer again, but he also knew Bucky needed help. Steve once again lost track after a while T’challa came in. “I know that must have been hard for you,” spoke T’challa. Steve wanted to yell of hit something, but he knew the king was being sincere and Steve had no right to disrespect him especially after every he had provided for Steve and Bucky. Steve stood up and said “I don’t want to talk about it right now. I’m going to go blow off some steam, call me when we can go again,” and with that Steve walked out.   
Two hours later Steve got summoned by the king to start the procedure again. Steve looked at the room around him. It was covered with spilled sand and broken punching bags. Steve’s hand were practically skinned to the bone, but he didn’t care. Focusing on his own pain helped distract him from seventy years of Bucky’s. Steve rewrapped his hands and went upstairs to begin the horrible process again.   
For three weeks Steve did this and it never go easier. He would fight the Winter Soldier in the morning and fight himself after. He watched his best friend cry out in pain and there wasn’t one time Steve didn’t shed a tear. However Steve did notice a difference after a while. Bucky screams got quieter and Steve was able to reach Bucky easier. Still Bucky refused to see Steve after. Steve didn’t know if it was out of shame or something else entirely. Steve just wanted to wrap his arms around Bucky and tell it was all going to be ok.   
On the twenty-second day, T’challa read the words and nothing happened. Bucky just sat there. He just let out a sign and then dropped to his knees. This time Steve ignored T’challa and ran over to Bucky. Steve wrapped him in a big bear hug, Bucky still limp in his arms buried his head deeper into Steve’s neck. “Were ok buddy...were ok,” Steve whispered. “Steve?” Bucky whispered so quiet Steve could barely hear it. “Can we go home now?” finished Bucky. “Yeah buddy we can home now” Steve whispered back.   
Steve brought Bucky back to his room after they finished doing final testing. There Steve talked about Brooklyn and growing up. Bucky didn’t talk much, but he did smile a few times so Steve was happy. When the sun started to go down Bucky yawned “I...um.. Should get going,” Bucky spoke softly like he was hurting Steve’s feels or disappointing him in some way. “Hey Buck, you can stay here if you want. I’ve got an extra bed,” Steve wasn’t sure if that was the right thing to say, but Bucky thought for a minute and noded.   
A few hours later Steve woke up to the sounds of scream. Steve instinctively reached for his shield that he left in Siberia. Steve burst into the room Bucky was sleeping that was connected to his. Steve raced over to his friends bed. There Bucky was thrashing around his body contorting violently like there was a current going through him. “No no no no no n! LET ME GO! I'm Sorry I didn’t mean to, please don’t! Get away get away” Screamed Bucky. The last part Steve didn’t realize was directed at him. Bucky tried to shove Steve but was unbalanced by his missing arm and fell off the bed. Steve knelt down on his knee still giving Bucky room. “It’s ok Buck, you're safe now” Steve said calmly like he was trying to tame a wild animal. Bucky had nestled himself into a corner knees drawing up to his chest and head in between legs. Buck turned his head to the side so Steve could only see one side of his face. Bucky’s eyes we wild his face was drenched in sweat he was still breathing heavily. “Steve continued to approach Bucky who was shaking. “I’m here buddy, I’ll protect you,” Steve whispered. Steve stayed with Bucky till he calmed down and Steve was able to wrap his arm around him. “Do you want me to leave?” asked Steve. Bucky shook his head no. “Do you want to sleep in my bed like we used to?” Steve knew is was stupid to ask that. Of course Bucky would say no. Ten minutes ago he just shouted no to touch him, but to Steve’s disbelief he nodded yes. Steve still in surprise helped Bucky to his feet and lead him to his room. There Bucky laid down facing away from Steve making himself a little as possible. “You used to get so sick in the winter” spoke Bucky in the dark. “Yeah?” Steve said. He couldn’t believe Bucky remembered. Steve tried to continue the conversation but Bucky was silent for the rest of the night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was think of having Bucky and Steve share an apartment in Brooklyn in the future. I know they are in hiding, but I thought it would be nice to have them be around people and the city. Let me know what you guys think in the comments. 
> 
> P.S: I might have Bucky get a big fluffy service dog sometime in the future


End file.
